I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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