he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
