He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
