I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
