He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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