it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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