Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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