just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
