I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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