turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
