My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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