Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
