My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
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drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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