sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's never too late to be topless.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
