so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
