Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize