Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
this is an emotional support booty call
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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