I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The best revenge is premature balding
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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