Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
