dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
