Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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