what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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