Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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