i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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