I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
