it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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