so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
