I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
