When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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