sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
