Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
