Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
