What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
