i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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