so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?