Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
