My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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