sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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