dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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