Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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