We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
