My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
