i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
