his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
