God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize