So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
