I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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