My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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