quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
