Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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