i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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