She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
ok first of all what the fuck
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