she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
