Christians are straight up FREAKS
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
