Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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