Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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